Happy Birthday, Timothy Alan Francis Petwetter

Happy Birthday!

Stealing away from the party, you creep into the kitchen. On the table is a large chocolate cake. You climb onto a stool to study it. It says:

Happy Birthday, Timothy Alan Francis Petwetter

You remove the candles and begin to eat the cake, stuffing it into your mouth a handful at a time. Left hand. Right hand. Left hand. Right hand. You put your face on the plate and lick up the crumbs.

Woozily, you stagger from the stool. You feel happy and excited and ... unstable! You run around the table five times, growling. You tumble through the cupboards looking for treats. That's when you discover the presents. You suck the chocolate from your fingers and stare at the hoard of shiny boxes.

Will you close the cupboard door and walk away?